Can’t Save Them All
Life Philosophy #4: Know When to Leave
And Then a Hero Comes Along
"Hero" is a song by American singer-songwriter Mariah Carey. Though it was originally written for Gloria Estefan for use on the soundtrack of the film with the same name, Carey was convinced to keep the song by Columbia Records. After initially not connecting with its style or sound, she changed some of the lyrics and added a more pop and R&B-influenced melody. The song went on to become Carey’s eighth #1, a platinum hit and a fan favorite. It was performed at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 for President Obama.
Lyrically, the song is regarded as one of Carey's most inspirational and personal ballads, with its protagonist declaring that even though we may feel discouraged or down at times, in reality we are "heroes" if we look inside ourselves and see our own inner strength; in time, it will help us "find the way." (1)
Carey’s song is important because it is a reminder that everyone can be a hero. It is not the song that gives us strength, it is just its message that reminds us we have this strength—this ability to be great. This is so, regardless of the situation, be it in our city, our home, our job, with our friends. We may not have the ability to fly, or super strength or unlimited resources, but we can still make a difference. We can still have an impact on the world.
With The Strength to Carry
…But there comes a time when you have to say no. We do not have the ability to fly, or super strength or unlimited resources. So unlike Supergirl or Batman/Iron Man we cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound or buy them with a single signature. With great power comes great responsibility, so with normal human power comes human responsibility. Precisely because we are not superheroes means we need to know when we have to say no.
I often wonder what Batman thinks when we looks down upon Gotham at night. When he sees all of the people that need his help. I don’t know if he will ever be able to save the city. To be honest, it seems like whenever he stops one bad guy, another super villain comes in to take their place (this could be because of the nature of the city or the fact that the authors keeps writing Batman stories). What I don’t doubt though, is that Batman believes he can save the city—or will give his all to do so. You however, should do no such thing, and there are things to which I would just say no.
Now, don’t get it twisted. I’m not advocating for being a quitter. Especially without trying. We often don’t know what we are capable of unless we try. How high we can jump or how big a load we can carry is not discovered in theory but realized in practice.
When we have that practice though, when we’ve given it the “ol’ college try”, we need to know when we are spinning our wheels and probably need to get out of that car stuck in the mud--because it might be stuck in quicksand.
(Me: I’ll go. Good luck Batman. )
You Can’t Save Them All
In Relationships
Men and women naturally might be heroes. Men have a tendency to want to fix things. In addition to feeding the male ego by helping the man believe they are needed and important, it also speaks to a more basic desire in *most* humans to protect and save others from harm. Women, with maternal instincts and more sympathetic tendencies also end up with inclinations to save others; to care for and raise up others. This, for both, leads to relationships with “the crazy girl” or “the bad boy”, to use stereotypes. More generally, it leads to relationships with some pretty damaged people.
As yourtango.com notes, “a woman is not like a house. Fixer-uppers do not usually turn out to be a wise investment.”
As for the “bad boy” or other damaged types, it is unlikely that an old dog will learn new tricks…but with all dogs, they will, inevitably, still be dogs at the end of the day.
Even with therapy, it is very hard for people to change. You will really have to ask yourself what you are willing to do and sacrifice for this other person, for that relationship. You will really have to ask yourself why you so bad want to save them in the first place. Ask yourself why again to get to a deeper level. Then another one. Another one.
In Your Career
A wise person once told me, "no one will look out for your career as well as you can". Loyalty is awesome. It’s commendable. Ask Tom Brady and he'll tell you the same (2). And nothing screams loyalty like a franchise player resigning with their team, a musician with their label, an employee with their first company. But you are not the captain and so are therefore not obliged to go down with a sinking ship.
There is no doubt that effective leadership can turn around companies, divisions and teams. Depending on where you are in the company though, you may not be able to have as big an impact as you would like. And it is important to know where the wind is blowing and to know if your department or division is not a focus for the company or is consistently underachieving.
There are some things that are just bigger than you and if your work is not going to be able to overcome structural or organizational problems, you might want to take advantage of mobility options or reach out to your network.
In Life
Just kidding. In your own life, it is important to remember that you can always do better.
(Tell 'em Jermaine)
"Fool Me One Time…"
People say a lot of things. Their actions usually reveal their true beliefs. When dealing with others, be in personally or professionally, I think it is important to read the signs. Whether it is paternal instincts, maternal instincts, a competitive nature or a sympathetic heart that keeps you trying, it should your common sense that lets you know that you can do no more to save a situation.
Sometimes you are just fighting against too strong a current. It’s hard for one person to change a tide at an organization unless they are in a leadership position or at a startup. It is even harder when they are in an industry that does not immediately embrace change. If you are the only one to see that these habits are self-destructive, you should probably get out.
Sometimes you just want to see others do better. Maybe you want to right the wrongs of a parent and fix similar problems in a significant other. Maybe you are worried about what I would call your "associated acts". Maybe you want to work to fix the problems of others as a replacement for problems in your own life that you do not think you can solve. Regardless, there are some battles you just can’t win. And unless you are going to take the Batman approach, there is probably another battle where you are more equipped to fight and be successful.
You can’t save them all...sometimes they are hesitant to change...and sometimes they don't want to be saved at all.
-Eberechi
1. Credit: Wikipedia
2. Tom Brady's loyalty to Donald Trump