If It Isn’t Love
Life Philosophy #6: Settling is the worst
"If It Isn't Love" is a 1988 song by R&B/pop group New Edition. It was the first single from their fifth studio album (second without Bobby Brown), Heartbreak. Written by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, the song tells the story of a man regretting leaving his ex-girlfriend. He does so to avoid falling in love, but realizes his has done so anyway. He asks in the chorus: if it isn't love/why does it hurt so bad/make me feel so sad, inside?
Listening to Ralph Tresvant tell his story...I’m convinced. Bruh, it isn’t love. At best (or worst?) it’s just jealousy at the fact that she found someone else. At worst (or best?) I would say it might be emotional hunger (1). Either way, with all due respect to Jam and Lewis, those do not sound like the words of someone who misses a deep connection he had with ol’ girl.
Honestly, I’m happy for the girl in this: she avoided the games and avoided settling for someone who only wanted her when he realized he couldn’t have her.
(same games; New Edition)
Ok, ok. I might be reading too much in to that. Legit, I might just be fond of the song. A better R&B example of what I want to say might have come from Usher.
The hook: "You make me wanna leave the one I'm with and start a new relationship with you".
The song: "You Make Me Wanna...", the lead single from Usher's second studio album, My Way.
The point: don’t settle.
“There are known knowns, and there are known unknowns. But there are also unknown unknowns; things that we don’t know that we don’t know.”
These words, so articulately put together by Gin Rummy of the Boondocks (2) are the basis of my three levels of settling. Known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns.
Known Knowns
Sometimes. Let’s just face it. You know you’re slumming. You know you picked the last carton of milk (you know, the one with the “Sell By” date of last week) or the concert seats behind the stage.
As eHarmony describes it, you are settling when you start longing and feeling nostalgic for weekends and evenings alone. Or you tell yourself you’re racing the clock. Maybe you routinely make excuse for your partner to others. Etc.
When someone, intervention-style, tries letting you in on the secret that you are settling, you smile and shake your head. You knew that from jump. You had already level-set with yourself, your family and your friends before they even met your lesser-half. It was all bad and you knew.
A phrase I live by: "One of the few things you control in life are standards; set them low, you'll reach them every time. "
In this Known Known, you put the limbo stick on the ground and jumped the broom.
Known Unknowns
This is the gut-feeling. This is the “I’m not sure.” You’ve made your decision but you know that you didn’t do your research. Just ask any Republican about the phrase,"No More Souters!"
Maybe you are new to this. Maybe you jumped at the first opportunity you had. Maybe you didn’t have enough faith in yourself or in your future to wait and see. Either way, you shot first and aimed second. You committed and now want to know if you settled.
The problem with this one, like Peter Keating in The Fountainhead, is that you really could (can) do better, and maybe you think it, but you don't believe it fully. In my humble opinion, this is a loss for both you and your partner. You won't be satisfied, and they may sense that, and it will affect you both.
Unknown Unknowns
This is the settling that comes from not traveling.
Aziz Ansari recently wrote a book on modern romance. How people met, meet, love, etc. On an episode of the Freakonomics Podcast, he described a study looking into the impact of proximity on relationships:
“That study is from the thirties in Philadelphia and it was like, yeah one out of twelve people will marry someone in the same building. Eighty-something percent, it was the same city. One out of three it was like within a five-block radius.”
Many people don’t meet like that anymore. Whether it is from going to college or traveling for work, those people who see a different area code at some point in their life are going to come in contact with different people and be surer of what they like and don’t like.
However, a Pew Research study conducted in 2008 found that among all respondents to the Pew Research Center survey, 57% say they have not lived in the U.S. outside their current state: 37% have never left their hometown and 20% have left their hometown (or native country) but not lived outside their current state.
To these people still loving like 1930s Philadelphia residents: you might be happy, I might be a hater…or you might be settling. I don't know. But you have no way of knowing either, because you haven’t even thought of looking for something else.
"You Make Me Wanna Leave..."
You might have heard expressions euphemizing settling. Things like "Perfect is the enemy of good" (Thanks Voltaire) or the 80/20 principle. And look, that's all fine and good. But here's my thing:
I believe in the benefits of a healthy relationship. I think alone-time is important for recovery and growth--it finishes the process-- while time with others is the workout that starts that growth process.
In my mind, the problem with settling is what it does to the person settling and the person chosen. I do not believe that looking at someone and feeling that they are subpar or suspecting that they are subpar does anything positive for a relationship. It will lead to self-esteem problems for both parties and will undermine the relationship from within.
There are times when you just don't know and then, I would point to the importance of meeting different types of people, going, if possible, to difference parts of the country or world. And most of all...surrounding yourself with good people who will let you know when you are going for less than you deserve.
There are many reasons for settling sure. But there are only two outcomes in my mind:
Stay and be miserable. Or say goodbye and take a chance on happiness.
I think you can guess my choice.
-Eberechi
1. a strong emotional need caused by a deprivation in childhood
2. or Donald Rumsfeld depending on who you ask
3. A Supreme Court Justice, David H. Souter, was appointed by George H. W. Bush and went rogue.